Red Light, Green Light

It feels like this is all moving very slowly. I have gone to many meetings, and we think what mission I'm supporting has been decided, but it hasn't officially and so we're still in the process of waiting. It is a lot like waiting at a red light. 

God hasn't told me to shut off my car or turn around. He's just making me wait. Maybe it's to teach me patience, or maybe it's to best suit the needs of others for what I'm going to be doing, but I can't know that for sure. What's so difficult about it is that I know that the light WILL turn green, I am just totally baffled as to when. So I try to be prepared. I try to be ready. Everything in me wants to ease off the brakes and hope that the light will turn green before I get to the middle of the intersection. I just want to feel like I'm making progress, even if it could actually negatively impact what I'm doing. I do not want to get ahead of God, because He is never late. At the same time, all of my pride wants to see progress.

That's not to say there hasn't been progress. There have been significant steps forward. However, these, at least for the moment, are beneath the surface. It's churning the water. It's starting the engines. It's throwing the coal into the fire. It's changing everything, yet without being seen. But soon the wind and waves will come and start moving the boat. The car will start moving forward. The steam will rise and start moving the train forward. I don't know if this will take off fast or slow. But I know that it will pick up speed as it goes and praise God that He is in control because I won't be able to once it gets going. This is a God-sized mission, and it can't be done right by anyone except Our God. 

Hopefully, it won't be long until the light turns green and we start going. I will let everybody know when I know for sure. But God's got it and so it's just a waiting game. And as long as I'm trusting in Him, I know that I will arrive right on time.

A Game of Poker

I am a very passionate, and sometimes careless, person. I like going for something with a big idea and only glancing at the little things when they come up. I'll spurt off a thousand ideas and try to run with each and every one. And I've come to like this about myself. I like having a creative mind and having crazy ideas that may or may not ever come to fruition. It can be really fun. But it also means that I hear a certain dreaded word from God a whole lot- wait.

Right now, that is what I'm hearing. I'm looking at different missions that I can support and ways to raise the money that God called me to. What makes this so difficult is that my mind wants to believe that it is all about the money. I could raise $3,000 with a little coaxing and puppy dog eyes if I needed to. Although it is a lot of money to me, if that was all it was about, I could use my passion and pursue it and be done. However, I have said many times that my God is WAY bigger than $3,000. So that leads me to is this: if God hasn't supplied me with the money yet, there is a reason. And maybe that reason is to grow me.

What?! Maybe this seems obvious, but I know to me it didn't. I mean, it made sense, but it still just kind of stunk. What do you mean this isn't all about ME raising the money? I never outwardly said it, but it seemed that God wanted to show me that He called me to this mission not to just spread His love out, but to help grow me within.

So I'm taking steps, but I'm not running. I'm learning valuable lessons about supporting the ministries surrounding me, and God is using me to show others what mission means. It's difficult and backwards. My mind says that $3,000 is a lot of money. The world tells me I can use it on myself. Society tells me that I need to get it done as fast as possible.

But God tells me that He is so much bigger than any amount of money. He tells me that I'm using it for something much longer lasting than anything I could purchase for myself. He tells me that when it gets done doesn't matter to Him, because He wants me to have patience and not jump the gun. He wants to grow me.

A couple of weeks ago I learned to play poker for the first time. I learned that when you "call" you basically match whatever was put out in order to stay in the round. It means you trust your cards enough to put them in, but maybe you don't want to go any higher quite yet. I feel, in a strange way, that that's what God's doing. It feels as though I haven't made a dent in the goal yet, but I know God has put enough in to say, "I'm here, and I'm betting on you."

And since He can see every card, I'm going to trust Him and wait for Him to make His next move.

A Little Introduction

This is my blog. I will be posting on it as I begin to go out into God's beautiful world and do the work He's called me to do.

A little bit about my past: I grew up believing I was not good enough. I was told that I should be different; that God made a mistake when He made me; that I was too passionate and wouldn't be good enough. I loved God and heard and felt Him lead me, but when I would hear these things about myself I would tell Him I hated Him for making me this way. My freshman year of high school, my parents separated and I was told it was my fault. I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety, but knowing that didn't soothe my pain. It actually made me feel more like a screw up. One day in June or July, I was planning on committing suicide. I thought I was a mistake and that I had no real purpose on the earth. As I was planning how I would do this, I found my Bible and saw a card in there for Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future.
At that moment I told God that if He was serious about having a future for me, He needed to show me. And He did, in powerful ways. So on that night, God raised my life from the dead and gave me a joy and a peace that empowers me to live for Him.

This past week I went to CIY Move in Macomb, Illinois. I chose to use my gifts, talents, and abilities to further God's Kingdom, which to me means raising more lives from the dead. This makes me a Kingdom Worker. What God has called me to do is to raise $3000 for a missionary supported by my church, New Horizon. That is a big number to me, and a tiny (but very important) number to God. My anthem for this mission is "Always" by Kristian Stanfill. I will not fear, His promise is true My God will come through always, always. I lift my eyes up, my help comes from the Lord

And the crazy thing is, He has already started coming through. Today, this song was playing after church, and as I was singing it, two people came and donated money. I still have a long ways to go, but God has shown me that He will not stand me up on this mission.

Now that you know a little bit about what is going on, I hope you will follow and support me with your prayers as I embark on this great journey of doing God's Will to show the world how crazy wonderful His love is.